Sunday, September 19, 2010

The Shit List

THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit coming out, have shit on the toilet paper but there is no shit in the bowl.

THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you shit it out, there is shit in the bowl, but t3ere is not shit on the to

THE WET SHIT
The kind where you wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

THE SECOND WAVESHIT
This shit usually happens when you’re finished shitting, you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.

THE BRAIN HEMMORAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
This kind of shit you strain so hard to get it out that you practically have a stroke

THE CORN SHIT No explanation necessary

THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
This kind of shit that’s so huge that you’re afraid to flush the toilet without first breaking I up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

THE GEE I WISH I COULD SHIT
The kind where you want to shit but all you can do is sit on the toilet bowl, cramped and farting

THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER SHIT
This is the kind where you have after a long night of drinking. Its most notable trait is the tread mark It leaves on the bottom of the bowl.

THE POWER DUMP SHIT
This is the kind that comes out your ass so fast you barely get your pants down and you’re done
THE LIQUIDSHIT
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your ass, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time burning your tender anus.

THE LIQUID PLUMMER SHIT
The kind of shit that’s so big it plugs up the toilet and you end up with shit all over the floor.
THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out that you swear it must be coming out sideways.
THE I THINK I’M GIVING BIRTH TROUGH MY ASSHOLE SHIT
Similar to the “Lincoln Log” and “Spinal Tap” shits. The shape of the turd seems to resemble a beer can. Vacuous air space remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.

THE PORRIGE SHIT
The type of shit that comes out like toothpaste but just keeps coming out. You have two choices with this shit: a) flush it and keep going or b) risk it piling up to your butt while you sit there helpless.

THE I’M GOING TO START CHEWING MY FOOD BETTER SHIT
This is where those Doritos you ate before going to bed last night scrape the sides of your asshole till it bleeds.

THE AM I TURNING NTO A RABBIT? SHIT
The kind when you drop cute little rounds ones that look like marbles and make little splashing sounds when they hit the water.

THE WHAT THE HELL DIED IN THERE? SHIT
This is also sometimes referred to as the “Toxic Dump”. Of course you don’t warn anybody about the obnoxious bathroom odor. Instead you stand near the door and watch their faces as they run gagging and gasping for air…

THE I JUST KNOW THERE’S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE
This is where you just sit and wait for the last cling-on drop to fall off because if you were to wipe it now, it would be rather messy.

THE GROANER SHIT
A shit so large it must be vocally assisted.
THE CROWD PLEASE SHIT
A shit so intriguing shape in shape or size that you must show it to someone else before you flush it.
THE RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT
The kind where you shit so much you lose 40 pounds instantly.

The Poncho Villa Will Never Die Shit
This is the kind of shit that comes reminds you that your were drinking tequila, eating incredibly hot tortilla chips and putting half a bottle of Tabasco in each beer to prove how damn tough you are.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Groups Names and an Observation

If a group of dogs is a pack, and a group of lions is a pride, then a group of house cats has gotta be an "uppity"!

I saw a lady with 2 kids today. One was bigger than the other. Brother and Sister? I asked?" "No, twins", she said. Why is the boy so much bigger? I asked. "He always fed on the right." she answered.

About Me

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65 year old disabled veteran.