Friday, June 19, 2009

PMS (Re-posted)

June 3rd 2009 11:22
This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texas woman sent to the American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.Dear Mr. Thatcher,I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'Are you kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong.'Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that's a promise I will keep.Always . . .Best,Wendi Aarons

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Food In Liquid Form

Anheuser-Bush's Malt-NutrineStarting in the late 1800s, many breweries produced "food tonics," malt beverages containing around 2% alcohol that were promoted as "food in liquid form," aiding in digestion, increasing appetite and aiding in sleep. "A boon to nursing mothers."

Politics Explained

Politics Explained
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
(Original source unknown . . . this version expanded and Illuminated by SJ.)

Friday, June 12, 2009


Shigataganai. That is a Japanese word. It is kind of fun to say really. Break it down to sylables. Shi-ga-ta-ga-nai. Keep the intonation flat, give each sylable equal length and stress. Now say it Shi Ga Ta Ga Nai. Feels good in the back of your throat, doesn't it? Now, what it means. It means "It cannot be helped." "Que Sera Sera" "What will be will be." You can believe things happen for no reason what so ever. You can figure that they happen for a specific purpose. You can believe that all is random, chance, that is really doesn't make a damn bit of difference one way or the other. You might be the one that stands in the middle of the street with the rain pouring buckets down on your head screaming, "WHY ME? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS!" I think things happen for a reason. You know, a place for everything, a thing for every place. For instance, you are standing in line at your local supermarket. You aren't in any particular hurry, but you don't want to stand in line all day. There is an odd old lady in front of you. She is wearing a shaggy, dirty coat and carried a monstrous old purse. Has one thing on the counter, you have two, in the back of your head, you think that your are nearly outta here and on your way to where ever it is you happen to be going. That is when it happens. She has a total of a dollar and seven cents. That is when she starts digging in this huge bag for change. At first it is a quarter, then a dime, a nickel of two, then suddenly, she is pulling out pennies. One at a time. STOP!, I'LL PAY FOR IT! JUST MOVE! But you don't. You stand there, getting hotter and more pissed by the clink of each penny on the counter. Here is where Shigataganai comes into play. It cannot be helped. Maybe, just maybe, this extra minute, maybe ninety seconds that holds you up could be doing one of two things. One, when you leave the supermarket, jump into your car and get stuck at all the lights before you can get on the highway and off to where ever the hell it was that you were headed to, you missed the big guy driving the Volkswagen mini-bus who dropped his cell phone, and bent down to pick it up, swerving over the center line just where you would have been ninety seconds ago. Whew! That old lady with the bag of pennies just saved your life! And you were pissed at her! Imagine that! Or, on the the second thing that could happen. You get in line in front of the old lady, you rush out the door of the supermarket and run right into a gang banger heading into the market. You piss him off, and he pounds the shit out of you. Now think about it. Did the old lady save your life, or because she got held up by someone who was trying to help her decide which can of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom Soup was the freshest, the reason you got your ass kicked? Everything is so easy to understand in retrospect. You just have to remember tho, don't think about it too much, you'll start to analyze everything. Just remember one thing. Shigataganai.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Some Observations By Great People

He may be mad, but there's method in his madness. There nearly always is method in madness. It's what drives men mad, being methodical.
G. K. Chesterton, The Fad of the Fisherman (1922)English author & mystery novelist (1874 - 1936)
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900), "On Reading and Writing"

Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.
Henrik Tikkanen

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Whos on First

This is one of the funniest skits ever written. It was performed by Abbot and Costello many years ago, but it will still make you hurt yourself laughing every time you hear it.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

New Items. I found how to do video implants

I found how easy it is to put a video in there. Duh. Here are some memories and some laughs. Hope you enjoy them. Let me know.

My Old Man . . The Chicken Plucker

Smothers Brothers Chicken Plucker. Hey, You don't have to have been there, here it is! These guys were always on the censor's short list. The show was the Smothers Brothers' Comedy Hour in the late sixties.

Sukiyaki is not Raw Fish!

Kyu Sakamoto had a hit in 1961. It was called "Sukiyaki" because it was the only word in Japanese that Americans would relate to in regards to Japan. It became #1. In 1985 on August 12, he was on a jet that crashed in Southern Japan. Sayonara and Kanpai!


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65 year old disabled veteran.